Control
by butterflycullen429
Summary: Kurt has forgiven Blaine for cheating, and the two have given their romantic relationship a second chance. But, Blaine still has some demons lurking in the corners of his mind. Warning - Self harm and Blaingst.


**I OWN NOTHING! B****ut I sure wish I did.**

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My eyes flash from the clock on the wall above the door, and down to the inside of my wrist. The angry red scars that once marred the skin there have long since faded. It's been far too long since I've held a cool silver blade in my hand, and cut into the smooth skin of my left wrist. Too long since I let the crimson blood drip down onto the tiled floor of my shower where the angry red swirls of blood mingled with the water dripping down my body and turned into a vibrant mixture of red and pink.

Once again, my eyes dart up to the clock ticking above the doorway of the small English class room, and I internally curse when I observe that only five minutes have passed. There are still ten minutes left of the actual school day, and then I have a mandatory Glee rehearsal so I won't actually get home until around six in the evening. Then, after completing the miniscule amount oh homework I've been assigned, Kurt and I have a Skype date at seven-thirty.

I know what you're thinking. Kurt and you have a Skype _date_? Well, yes we do. After a long, hard conversation we had when he came back to Lima for his Dad's doctors appointment, we both decided to give our romantic relationship a second chance. I had explained to Kurt that the reason I cheated wasn't because I didn't love him anymore, but that I felt like Kurt was moving on with his life. A life that I no longer seemed to be a part of.

Kurt had just sat there, looking at me with those beautiful big blue eyes that are always filled with so much love, and said to me, ''Blaine, no matter what you do or don't do, you will _always_ have a place in my life. Even at my lowest when I hate the entire world, including you, you still hold a permanent fixture in my heart. You were the first boy who ever made me feel completely accepted, faults and all. You loved me so deeply that when you felt me start to slip away, you did something drastic to feel like you were needed by someone, anyone. Yes, what you did absolutely killed me inside, but you weren't the only one at fault. I shouldn't have talked over you, or ignored you. I should have been there to ask questions about you, and how your life was. I should have known the moment you confessed that something was deeply wrong. You've never been the kind of guy who just cheated.''

Those words are the ones that completely broke down the walls I had built around my heart. I couldn't keep the tears at bay anymore, and collapsed into Kurt's waiting arms. The sobs that escaped from deep within my shattered heart shook my body in racking convulsions as I gasped for breath. Kurt simply held me, rubbing my back in slow soothing circles, whispering words of reassurance into my ears, and dropping comforting kisses along any inch of skin his soft, sweet lips could reach. It that moment, I knew he had finally forgiven me. Kurt had done the impossible and forgiven me for all the heart ache and pain I had caused him for so long.

I can't tell you ho long we sat like that, wrapped in each others arms, but I do know that something extraordinary took place in those precious moments. Our hearts realigned, our fingertips touched in the most intimate of ways, and ours eyes conveyed everything we felt with out the use of words. Our lips brushed together silently, and I knew our time had finally arrived. Our love was, has always been, and will remain for eternity the forever kind.

A bell rang overhead, jarring me from the tantalizing thoughts of Kurt's lips. I quickly packed up my stuff, and rushed out the door not wanting to be late for Glee rehearsal with so few days left until Regionals.

I slowly trudge my way up the stairs to my bedroom after Glee. Overall, the rehearsal went well, and we finished choreographing 'Hall of Fame'.

I throw open the door to my bedroom, and deposit my bag next to my desk. My bed looms warm and inviting, and I'm reminded of how tired I am. Between studying for finals and the nightmares that haunt my dreams, I barely got two of hours of sleep a night.

The nightmares are always about the same thing. _Eli._ The way he touched me that night. The way he held me down and kissed me, forcing me to trespass against my love for Kurt.

Kurt doesn't know the truth about what happened that night. He doesn't know how Eli lured me over to his apartment by threatening my friends, or how Eli tied my hands behind my back before putting a gagging me to silence the tormented sobs that escaped my chest. I hated myself for letting it happen. For letting Eli hold me down and overpower me. I hated the fact that I hadn't been strong enough to fight him off, so I didn't tell Kurt. I simply told him I had been with someone, and let Kurt make his own assumptions. I didn't refute his belief about me cheating because, even though it hadn't been consecutive, I _was_ with someone else. Someone touched me the way only Kurt ever had. The shame outweighed every other feeling coursing through my body, and I felt as if it would be easier to just let go than hang on to the edge by my fingertips.

I shake my head to clear my mind of that fateful night, and sit down at my desk to finish the remainder of my Pearl Harbor essay.

An hour later, and I'm completely done with homework. I glance at my alarm clock notice that I still have thirty minutes before mine and Kurt's Skype date so I decide to take a shower.

The hot spray of the water swirls around me, filling my lungs with humid air. It's times like these that always get to me. When warm water is shooting down in jest to glide across my skin, and the steam from the shower makes everything hard to see. It's the time when I can reflect.

I can feel Eli's hands sliding down my torso, holding me down on the mattress.

Then I hear the warm words whispered in my ear as Kurt caresses my cheek.

I feel the binds on my wrist cutting into my skin from where Eli has tied then appendages too tight.

I hear the gentle beat of Kurt's heart as I lay my head on his chest to revel in his smooth, milky skin.

The feelings, the words, the sounds,the touches. They all swirl around in my head to the point of nausea.

And that's when I reach for the small, blue container hidden on the shelf behind my shampoo and body wash. The container holds my sanity. After everything happened with Eli, and then with Kurt, I couldn't take it anymore. There was so much guilt, tension, fear, anger, and pain running through me, and I couldn't take it.

So, I decided to focus on one feeling. Pain.

I pop the latch on the container, and let the lid clamber to the floor. I carefully take out a small, silver razor, and smooth my thumb over the edge, testing how sharp it is. Once satisfied, I bring the razor to my left wrist, trembling slightly.

With a quick breath and sharp turn of my hand, there's blood dripping down my left arm onto the tiled floor of my bath. I repeat the process twice more before the guilt washes over me. This always happens. First I think, then I act, then I think again. It's not always the same time every day, but it usually happens this way.

I finish my shower, paying special attention to my left wrist, and get out. I dry off quickly before applying some ointment and gauze to the three new I cuts I have added along with myriad of other scars scattered around the same area.

In hindsight, it has gotten better since Kurt and I have started talking again. I no longer feel the need to cut _every_ day, just at least once a week.

I know, pathetic right?

A sharp _bing_ breaks through my thoughts, and I whip my head around to the source. There, lighting up the screen of my laptop is Kurt's smiling face.

''Blaine, what are you doing?'', Kurt asks upon seeing me so far away from my desk.

''Sorry, lost track of time.'' I say as I walk over to my desk.

He puts his hand over his heart in mock hurt before saying, ''I'm wounded. I figured you would be anxiously awaiting my call.''

''Oh please, you're acting like Garfield on a Monday.''

Kurt's sweet laugh fill the room with the sound of bells in the wind. I smile, glad that I can still bring a smile to his face even after all the hurt I've caused the beautiful boy looking at me from my laptop screen.

''So, how was your day?''

I take a deep breath, and say ''Long, but we did get the choreography done for 'Hall of Fame'.''

''That's great! I can't wait to see it!''

This takes me slightly aback. A few days after Kurt found out his Dad was cancer free, Kurt flew back to New York for NYADA.

''Wait a second, you're coming to Lima for Regionals?''

''Well, I wanted to surprise when I got back, but I suppose now is as good a time as any. Yes, Rachel and I are both coming to Lima for Regionals.''

I'm sure the face splitting grin on my face is response enough, but I still respond with, ''That's awesome, I can't wait until you're here again!''

Kurt smiles and nods. ''Yeah, Santana might come too, but she still gets a little emotional sometimes over Brittany even if she never admits it.''

''I can imagine. So, what's going on with you in New York? I'm sure it's a lot more exciting than Lima.''

Kurt exhales, and says, ''Well things are going great at NYADA, and I'm still loving my job. Ooh, by the way Isabelle gave me something out of the vault that is absolutely perfect for you.''

We talk like this for the few hours or so, each of us contributing to the conversation equally.

''Well, it's late here so I'm going to have to go.'', Kurt's brow furrows slightly at the idea of having to stop talking to me.

''Yeah. I can't wait to see you at Regionals. Good night, Kurt, I love you.''

''Good night. Love you too, Blaine, bye.'' Kurt says before he signs off and the screen goes black.

I smile to myself before shutting my computer down, and walking into my bathroom. I stare at my reflection in the mirror, noting how my eyes are happier, and my skin isn't as pale. Then I look down at wrist and frown at the clean white bandage hiding the angry red lines contrasting so greatly with my tan skin.

I know it's bad, and that I need help. I know Kurt wouldn't want me to do this, and he would push me to see somebody. I know all these things, yet I let my pride stand in the way of my own sanity. I don't want anyone's pity or judgement.

It's then that I vow to myself to keep it a secret for as long as possible, and to manage it on my own if I can.

The thing is, I'm not sure I can control it anymore.

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**So, I've set this up to where I can easily write a sequel, but you guys have to tell me if you want that. I hop you enjoyed this story, and that I didn't waste your time. Please ignore any spelling or grammar mistakes I may have made.  
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**I love to read reviews, and respond to them if I can, so I would love some feedback. BTW, did any of you catch the AVPM reference. If so, let me know.  
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